I've been going through a lot of things these past few weeks. From the job, or lack there of, to not having money, to not having a purpose in life, to just feeling overall in a nutshell: lost.
There isn't a map for what I've been feeling like lately. Completley empty, devoid of a greater purpose. All my life, I've been teaching in some capactity, or have had friends, or hung out with people. In the past five years, I've pushed them all away, and left myself an empty shell. Now I'm 26, alone and not all that happy in life. Truth is, I haven't been happy for a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the pillar of scroogeness, I just haven't been able to experience true joy for long periods in a very long time. It's as if I'm emotionally paralyzed and have been for years and I'm just now realizing this.
Perhaps it would be easier if I explained what brought all this on. The other night, I was at my dad's and he was talking to me about the classes he has to take in order to adopt. Anyway, they've been learning about bonding and attachment issues, and apparently, I'm a textbook case. Well heck, I could have told them that.
I live alone, not many concrete friends and my emotional shutdown happened cause of the divorce of my parents and the break up with my ex. Don't misunderstand me here, I don't want to get back with my ex, I'm just saying the whole event emotionally traumatized me. The fact that they happened within a year of each other, well you get the idea.
Plus all the blame, harsh words, etc., I've been a wreck ever since.
I don't let people get close to me emotionally at all. I usually end up pushing them away, or purposefully sabotaging the relationship so they'll leave. I don't let people ever see the real me. I cry in front of very few people, if I even cry at all. I don't open up to how I'm feeling, and even basic things, like crying at movies, is beyond my comprehension. Very few people know the real me and I don't think I even know the real me lately. I've been a great actress, playing a part to suit everyone else but the person who it matters to the most, me. I guess what my dad told me the other day, really got me thinking.
I've also come to a hige realization which I want to note here, but not write about until after I've talked to the involved parties. It's something which has bugged me for the past 23 years, and something which needs to be fixed now. I need some closure and now is as good of a time as any.
It's going to be a slow process, this I know. Rome wasn't built in a day and this won't be solved in a day. It's a start though, which is what really counts.
Yoda:Bugger:
Angela:
0 have something naughty to say
Miss These?
- - 2006-07-02
I solemly swear that I am up to no good. - 2006-05-05
What has been going on with me - 2006-04-22
year end survey!!! - 2005-12-31
Update from Sunny CA.... - 2005-12-05
