I realized a very important thing as I was writing in this last time. I'm not as completely honest as I'd like to be. I don't lie, I just leave out crucial details most of the time, for fear of people judging me. Then I started thinking about it and realized that people will judge you anyway. So then I started analyzing why I wouldn't be completely honest. Was I afraid of offending someone? Well I've already offended people, I've survived. I then realized I had to go to the root of the problem. Fear of rejection, no. Fear of people knowing the real me? Yes.
As long as I can remember I've never let anyone see the real me. Actually that's not entirely true. One person saw the real me. One person knew me better than anyone, and that went kaput. After that I shut myself off emotionally and started guarding who I was and what I let people see. Some people saw the playful side, fun-loving, cheerful, ever the optimist. Some saw the vulnerable side, the one who wasn't always strong, the who had weaknesses. And still others saw the flirt, with a little naughtyness tied in. And then there were those who saw the worst in me, the coldness, the detachment, the negativity. I had the ability to turn off people at the drop of a hat. I formed relationships with people who were unavailable, because it was safe. I didn't have to get close and let them see the real me. They only saw what I let them see, which is what I've done with this diary.
I can't continue to do that anymore. People will either love me or hate me. You are either going to accept me for who I am, or you're going to resent me for it. I can't please everyone and be someone that I'm not. It doesn't work like that for me.
I've learned to combine all the parts of me and accept them as a part of who I am. I am cheerful, flirty, playful and optimistic, but I'm also cold, detached, flirty and vulnerable. I'm not always strong.
Why don't I have a boyfriend, because it's easier to form relationships with unavailable people than live with the rejection. Why don't I get close to people, same reason.
Don't get me wrong, I still have class. I won't be naming names, and if I have an opinion on something I'll tell you first. If I think you're being sucky, I'll tell you. I wouldn't expect any less from any of my friends. I'm just tired of holding things back and not saying this for a million different reasions, none of which matter. This is my diary and my life, and it's about damn time I started talking about it. I always say I'm comfortable with my decisions and with my life, well it's time I started proving that.
This may shock you. Some of you may go whoa I never knew she had it in her. Then again some of you may go good for her, getting it all out. Guess what, leave me your opinion, thoughts etc. I think this place will be much more pleasant because I've finally started to be totally honest.
Thanks for reading. I'm ready for the journey. Are you?
Yoda: SleepingBugger: Sleeping
Angela: Baking Cookies for Work's pot luck
0 have something naughty to say
Miss These?
- - 2006-07-02
I solemly swear that I am up to no good. - 2006-05-05
What has been going on with me - 2006-04-22
year end survey!!! - 2005-12-31
Update from Sunny CA.... - 2005-12-05
